it gets to the point where i can't even stand looking at you any more. cause i'm sick of straining my neck to look up that high.
the best way to describe the last couple of days: hell. constant fighting, condescending remarks, traveling back and forth, inflamed nose, ears and throat, pounding headaches. and all i want right now is camel turkish silvers, a book, and to be left alone. i would be really happy cause alex would have been going to his cousin's graduation today but he decided not to. i am so on edge and so stressed out, i'm surprised all my hair is still intact in my head and my eyes didn't shrivel up into prunes. i feel like i'm 65 years old. i have no money either. some, but not a lot. i worked 7-12 last night and it was okay until i came home and all the tears in my body poured out. meanwhile alex was yelling at me to shut up. i don't know what i want or need today. i realized a lot of things last night that i didn't particularly want to but i guess it's better than not. i think i'm drowning.
i'm eating a whole box of milanos right now & learning french. i finally downloaded and got the rosetta stone software to work. i'm so excited to learn a million different languages. pretty effin sweet. it's going to take me forever though. so my cuerpo hurts like a motherfucker. i got my period today and it was the worst pain i ever felt. i took vicodin and went with alex and his dad to a restaurant on the water in mahopac. i love that place & they have music on friday nights so it's perfect. it doesn't hurt that i had the most delicious salmon burger ever. was supposed to go to the village on sunday to see ariel but plans change so i took tabatha's hours 5-10 at work to get more money since i gave my two weeks and this will be my last week working there.
alex's new videocamera came yesterday and it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. i can't wait to start working on our first project. it makes me so anxious to my camera. ariella today was being a bitch so i ended up not hanging out with her.
so this is really embarassing but me and alex were having sex like an hour or so ago and at one point i moved and my nose ring ripped out half way and it hurt like a motherfucker and i had to stop and i was almost crying. then i noticed afterwards that it was bleeding a bit. balls. i have some epic stuff to do tomorrow. today was very boring, i did absolutely nothing. actually, i always do absolutely nothing and the only thing that is different between the days is when i work. in the summer i'm going to be working by being a petsitter. how cute am i. i'm walking to work tomorrow because alex needs to use my car to see his dentist for a follow up. i really don't want to walk but it'll probably be good for me so i don't know what i'm complaining about. i have been showering wayyy too much and washing my hair too much so it looks real shitty right now.my cousin's son is being held hostage in the bahamas right now in a hospital there and they have to pay 15,000 a day for every day that he's there even though he can go home crazy shit.
TODO:
Call psychologist in Texas: Dr. Heather Robbins (972) 755-0996
Call Dad
Give work my two weeks :)
Run after work, 100 situps, etc.
Check grades on WebCT
too hungry to add anymore, peace.
krazychica288: when
krazychica288: afr
krazychica288: are
krazychica288: \ y\ou\
JOJO X ONO: que?
krazychica288: lesvin
JOJO X ONO: june 7th!
krazychica288: -ni
krazychica288: ok
krazychica288: im sorry
krazychica288 signed off at 12:46:45 AM.
so i'm on vicodin right now, watching grindhouse, and eating macaroni and cheese. charlie is sitting on my lap trying to eat the mouse on my computer. i have to pee so bad because all i've been drinking the past three days is this liter bottle of water and/or tea. i got my long-awaited Adbuster's magazine in the mail and have been soaking it in today. it literally takes me about two days to read. i went out to eat with my dad today and talked about a lot of things. it felt shitty that he was so unhappy yet at the same time it felt good that he was able to talk to me about his feelings, something that is very rare of him to do. i haven't had a cigarette for three days now and while i regretted the decision to quit in the beginning, right now i'm starting to wonder why i ever contemplated it. all i feel now is what i used to feel, what i've been aching to feel: authentic, optimistic, motivated, patient, centered. everything feels brand new. and i'm so glad that i was able to do it for Alex, which is the real reason why i quit. if he never got his wisdom teeth removed, i wouldn't have quit until the summer, and even then, who knows how it would have worked out. i got my two sets of film today from Ritz again. i don't like them as much as the monastery film but there were a few that i absolutely loved. so randomly tonight i did a bridge and it suddenly occurred to me that i need to do something like yoga or anything similiar, cause my body is so achy. i'm always self-conscious to go to classes like that, i feel like such a queer. i'm done with school which is the weight of an elephant off my shoulders. yet, i'm still worried about next semester and colleges. i shouldn't even be thinking about it though cause i just want to dedicate this summer to enjoying MY REAL SELF for once and taking pictures, building my portfolio and client base. first, i need a haircut.
i work 3-11 tomorrow. alex thinks i should give them my two weeks but i'm really scared to talk to them about it. i think i'll just wait until i was originally going to do it. i mean, stacy isn't going to be there anyway and i'm assuming she's the one i need to talk to. whatever, it will work out. all i know is i wanna smoke a bowl and hopefully then i'll fall asleep.
<3
things that i want right now: a hot bath, a brand new Macbook pro, a huge blunt, a cup of tea, sleep, nachos, a Nikon d200, beach time, the ability to work on my own schedule.
i have to write in here everyday otherwise, i come here and start to write and then forget everything that i want to talk about. it's a lot easier to be vague about things, like creating a list.
today was shit. i think that's all i wanted to say.
all i know is that there are a lot of things that i have to do this weekend that i'm ultimately dreading.
first stop, closing at work today.
worked 7-12 tonight. it was alright i guess although i felt as if my body was present yet my mind was floating elsewhere. sometimes i feel as if people get alarmed at how indifferent i am. closed with kristina but she got sick half way through so i finished up. she actually threw up in the garbage can in the backroom. i felt horrible. tabatha was working there today. i really can't stand her. she's so annoying and i'm so glad that she is going to be on vacation for the next week or whatever it is. i just find her personality to be extremely obnoxious. and she actually does one of the biggest things i hate: mocks me. and all she has to say is something negative. like oh joanne your hair looks like shit... oh joanne blah blah blah. i guess she's just pissed off cause she looks like shit constantly.
got my nose pierced today. i love it and no one even notices it on me which i guess is a good sign that it fits my face. it didn't hurt nearly as bad as i thought it would but my eyes were like fountains during it. i'm always nervous about healing piercings just cause my navel healed like absolute shit. but my tongue was okay so i guess i shouldn't be too worried.
i went to a reiki circle last night. it was awesome and i felt great last night. almost normal. it ended today. i wish i could feel like i did last night forever. how is that possible though? me and alex's mom and her friend jen went to barnes and noble afterwards. some people were laughing at me at work today while i was doing the beverage case. i don't know but i really don't care at all. i'm not sure if i don't care about what people think about me cause i tend to generally dislike people or because i feel so disconnected from them. either way, none of what they think of me or anything affects me at all. like, no one asks me to hang out at work ever but i really don't care. elia mentions it to me but i think it's out of the fact that she's naturally so nice to everyone.
i wish i had pot to smoke but there is none. so i took some PMs. i want to read but i don't think it's worth waking alex up by turning on the light. i think things between me and alex have gotten a lot better but i don't think he feels the same. also, i always feel as if there is something that i'm doing or not doing that he's upset about. maybe it's that paranoia that is causing it, but who really knows the answers to everything.
i know that i have to give my two weeks soon but i feel bad about it. fuck what the hell is wrong with me. this post is 90% about work. a;kas;dkjf;aksjdf
i need to do something else tomorrow except idle around, eat, wait, and work. maybe i'll read a lot tomorrow. or do the homework that i have to do. blahhhhhhhhhh
all i want to say is: i can't wait for school to be over.
i just woke up and i feel as if i haven't slept in weeks.
I'm playing hooky today by not going to class. I am just honestly so exhausted from 8 hours of work. I don't even know why, it's not like i didn't sleep well last night. whatever. i'm just way to fed up to go to class. but i ALWAYS feel guilty when i don't go and i feel as if this is the one class that i missed that will determine my grade. stupid, i know. I'm thinking about getting my nose pierced. It is either that or the industrial. Either way it is going to be this Saturday and i'm spending my paycheck money on it. I just can't decide what to get. I have this huge pimple on my face. sucks. So it looks as if me and Alex are going to be starting our own production company or studio whatever company. called 'JOLEX' it seems cheesy but whatever. we even have our own business line so far. I met Alex's boyfriend yesterday while i was traveling around cortlandt looking for the hair dye i need. He's a graphic designer and from what i hear, is pretty talented, so me and Alex are thinking that he might be able to design our website or our logo even. I'm excited. Alex is also getting some awesome lights. I have two photoshoot set up for the near future: one with Steve-O and the other one with Desiree but I need to find out how to get all the materials I need. Oh well. Hopefully I'll even have my digital camera by then!
Stacy is always asking me if i have plans for the summer or not. It's very stressful because I don't want to lie. But it's annoying because I know why she is asking me: hoping that i don't so i can be her little slave. and it's even more annoying because of the WAY in which she asks. . my magazine didn't come in the mail yet and i'm really pissed off because Alex's dad payed for my subscription for christmas. oh, and did you know that the reason why they spell it 'Xmas' is because X is a cross and so it signifies jesus christ. how gay is that. I was eavesdropping at work and this mom was telling her daughter that when she asked. also there was a priest at work that was buying coffee and i screamed "shit" sort of loud when i fucked up someone's order and everyone was like "joanne there is a priest in front of you" crazy shit for brains. i made Elia a paranoid freak like me today. it was fun.
i've been getting into tibetan buddhism and the bardo thodol. i guess that's it. i really like the teas at starbucks. i'm beginning to think that i should just buy a pack..
